GOODBYE 2014!!! I held it together for another year of ups and downs – highs and lows – wins and losses. I fully believe 2015 will be my big, shiny trophy for hanging in there! I’m counting on it.
To say 2014 was a roller coaster of epic proportions would be an understatement. We burned the road back and forth to Johns Hopkins knowing the doctors there had the answers. The year flew by with great challenges and even greater outcomes. Every negative was met with a miraculous positive.
Even with the positives, 2014 was the year that mentally weakened me. I struggled with the weakness. I fought it. Somewhere down the line I told myself being strong was the only acceptable choice. Weakness became my enemy and I found myself at war with my thoughts. I suppose the roller coaster did something to me that I could not identify while on the ride.
Early fall brought so much elation as my last two brain surgeries were a success, and my spinal fluid was clear for the first time in three years! I was at the peak of the roller coaster and I was ready to make those loopty loos. My remaining hope was placed in a medication that was expected to make a tremendous difference. The vision I had moving forward was one where I would be more like myself and less of the person I no longer recognize. The medicine failed me, and failed me miserably.
The failure of the medicine was the first time I truly gave into weakness and just fell apart. I was stuck…upside down…in a dark tunnel. My demeanor changed in a very obvious way to those close to me. I suppose my inner struggle became clearly visible to them. Not only was I dealing with the mental aspect of the failure, my body was in overdrive as a result of the massive reaction. I felt defeated and I was overcome by it all.
That mental mode of defeat did something to me that only I could handle and I could address. I had to be the one to ask for help. I had to accept the fact I was weak, in tremendous pain, and breaking down on the inside. It was incredibly difficult for me to do. I accepted the fact that in the face of adversity I did NOT have to be Super Woman. I quit pretending that I was. Once I allowed this to happen things changed.
My aunt, who is an incredibly strong breast cancer survivor, and I frequently chat about lessons learned through her battle. We laugh about how something so awful can lead us to gain a beautiful and impactful perspective on ourselves and those in our circles. Somehow we have both found clarity in our awful medical ordeals. Each year of this experience (I don’t really like the word journey any more) has opened my eyes to a particular lesson – the first was gratitude, the second was patience (and Lord how I needed to learn that), and this past year was acceptance.
2015 is here and I am waiting. I’m waiting on my body to clear up so a new medicine can be discussed. I’m waiting for my time to move forward! Though I know I will always deal with limitations, they do not have to define me and control me. My hope has been reignited and I am remembering the lessons I have learned. So what lesson will 2015 bring? I’m waiting…